ARGH.

UPSET. UPSET.

and i'm STILL upset. juz went to the hairdresser to cut my fringe cos it was getting long and it seemed to love interfering with my vision. so frankly, it was getting quite irritating. but then i went ahead and dyed my hair this purplish brown. first, it's not visible. secondly, aftr i went home, i realized tt she cut my fringe so bloody short. i guess it's not reli visible now. but tt's only becos it's TOO short to be seen! but when it grows longer by a bit, it'll start to stick out at the top of my head! it's like only worth an inch. ya. tt's wat i mean by SHORT. so i'm not exactly exaggerating here.

sigh. oh, and thirdly, my hair is currently sticking out in all directions. smth tt rebonded hair shld NOT be like. but i can't wash my hair, cos she alr did tt for me during gdness noes wat treatment and if i wash it too many times (it'll be the 4th time of the day if i reli do wash it now), the colour'll fade and not to mention my hair'll be even MORE damaged. so there. *sighs*

i'm not gg there anymore. seriously spoils one's mood. SPOILER!

tmr i'm gg to NYGH fair with one of my NYGH-crazed fren. and my hair sux.

honestly, i hate it.

HATE IT!! UPSET!!

i'm like, gonna avoid lking in the mirror for the rest of the day. if possible, wk. or mb even month. (but i so noe i'm not gonna keep to my resolution. mb only for the first hr or so) lk on the 'bright' side, at least i didnt get her to cut the rest of my hair. she only ruined the fringe. yes. only. *rolls eyes*

and i'm so bloody frustrated at learning this piano piece which is so bloody hard. i shld have juz spent the money i spent today on my hair on the tuning of my piano.

HATE IT!! UPSET!! :(

Have you ever felt some kind of emptiness inside
You will never measure up, to those people you
Must be strong, can't show them that you're weak

Have you ever told someone something
That's far from the truth
Let them know that you're okay
Just to make them stop

All the wondering, and questions they may have

I'm okay, I really am now
Just needed some time, to figure things out
Not telling lies, I'll be honest with you
Still we don't know what's yet to come

Have you ever seen your face,
In a mirror there's a smile
But inside you're just a mess,
You feel far from good

Need to hide, 'cos they'd never understand

Have you ever had this wish,
of being somewhere else
To let go of your disguise,
all your worries too

And from that moment, then you see things clear

I'm okay, I really am now
Just needed some time, to figure things out
Not telling lies, I'll be honest with you
Still we don't know what's yet to come

=Disguise=
+Lene Marlin+

gd morn pple~

u're prob not gg to believe this, but i'm staying awake at 12.10 in the morn, just to wait for my hair to dry. i juz took a bath, u see. y so late? cos i went with my aunt to watch my cousin's (her daughter, duh) symphonic band performance. my uncle didn't get to go cos he had to make it to an overseas biz meeting or smth. didn't ask much either so i'm not sure. so my aunt called me and asked if i wanted to go. turns out it was more of a sch performance, cos not only symphonic band played. there were oso performances by chinese orchestra, choir, dance, chi society and guzheng ensemble. got performances by both st nick's pri and sec. my cousin's in sec 3 ma. she plays the clarinet, in case u were wondering.

it was held at kallang theatre and i thought overall, the performance was rather enjoyable.. however, one regrettable thing was that the sound system was rather awful. as in, compared in VCH, SCH and Esplanade, of cos the kallang theatre would be worse off in terms of surround sound. but alas, i didn't think it'd be as bad as it was tonight. i mean, yst night, since it's alr in the morn and all.

but one thing i realized frm the performance tonight was tt i wanna join NTU CO, even though i'm not v gd at my instrument. i'll juz haf to start frm almost scratch. sigh. i wish i were a musical genius and wonder sometimes. i mean, dun give me longer than average fingers if i'm not talented in music la.

hm. i watched 'the pianist' today morn. it was reli, reli v sad. Wladyslaw Szpilman - the pianist (Poland Jew) that survived the war against the Germans. i didn't noe (or at least, as the movie portrays it) that the Germans were so bloody cruel against the Jews la. it was kinda sickening, reli. the movie showed how the Germans made the Jews live in an overly congested Jewish settlement, how they built high walls to force the Jews out frm the rest of Poland and made them live in a ghetto (is tt how u spell it?), how they forced Jews to stand in a row and shoot them in their heads and how they made them run frm their gunfire when there's reli nowhere to run since there're walls surrounding the settlement. it was, as i said, disgusting to watch. there was even a scene where the German soldiers threw this man over the window ledge of his apartment on the third floor, i think, just becos he didn't bow to them. actually, he couldnt bow - he was wheelchair-bound. so they threw him off his wheelchair and down three storeys.

haiz. wat cruelty. and there i was, sitting back like a couch potato, and complaining and grumbling abt the double tuition i was to give later on in the afternoon. honestly, i haf nth to complain or grumble abt. somehow i've always known tt. but somehow, it's reli hard to be contented with life and the way it has been. mb i'm only human, tt's y.

but nonetheless, i realize tt i'm still supporting the Germans to win the World Cup 2006. better them than Brazil. dun ask me y - i haf no idea. mb it's cos of miroslav klose. it can't be becos of oliver kahn. aftr all, he's no longer playing for Germany. it's sad tt he's not playing becos of his age though - the world cup destination is his homegrnd aftr all. i'm supporting Germany even more than i'm supporting England.

having said tt, i'm still gg to buy the latest Lime edition tmr. oh, cos it has an A4 sized pic of David Robert Joseph Beckham. CLOSE-UP.

haha.

watched scary movie 4 today. my gdness. so crappy la. it was kinda funny, i guess, in lame way la. haha. i think scary movie 3's much better. hm ate at kenny rogers. the food was ok la, wasn't fantastic. but it was all right. but the day was gd! i got a new bracelet! smth i dun haf many. earrings a lot. rings quite a lot. necklaces oso a lot. only bracelet dun haf. cos i rather choosy for bracelet i suppose. same for bags. earrings v sui bian. anyhow oso buy. haha explains the truckload of it la.

hm.. i went to HMV today. haha it was kinda funny la. nicholas n i were like lking thru all the vcds. then i saw 'the pianist', so i wanted to buy it. cos of adrien brody AND becos it's a gd film. it was like, 13 bucks. i didn't mind. and then we went on and i saw the dvd version of it. 12 bucks. diaoz. ok so i went and put the vcd back on the rack. then we walked arnd some more and i found the vcd version of it again. worth 8 bucks only la. so irritating. so we had to walk all the way (though it was only for a short distance. haha) back to the dvd section to return the previously taken dvd. siao ding dong one la. all the prices mixed up. haha

but i'm not complaining (not much anw). becos there's adrien brody to be watched!! but tmr la. it's too late to enjoy anything other than soccer right now. muahaha. dunno who's against who tonight lei. think germany n sweden. nth to watch la, i guess. after all.. WAIT A MIN. DID I SAY GERMANY??

wait let me confirm with nicholas. oh. it IS germany. oliver kahn's not playing alr lei... nevertheless, it's been 4 yrs since i've last seen miroslav klose. ten more min. hope my dad gets to watch it on some weirdo m'sia channel. haha. yes!

okie. gtg le. muz go wash face and prepare myself for the match le. heh. nitez!

if only i'd let myself fall in love more often.

i'm back!!! haha actually, i was back yst la. but was too tired and lazy to update on my blog (which was really my initial intention, believe me) after getting back home at arnd 10 plus. besides, i had a soccer match to catch. which i only watched half way cos i was so tired la. portugal VS mexico. the last time i checked the scoreboard it was 2 to 1, portugal. which, judging by their performances in the second half.. the score's likely to stay tt way anw. haha pardon me if i'm wrong.

oh and another reason y i didnt watch further on is cos i realized fifteen min into the 2nd half and after changing the players (portugal) two times that they weren't gg to send cristiano ronaldo into the game. xian. dun mistake me. the reason y i wanna watch him play is not cos i find him cute. sure, he is cute la. but a bit weird lking, if u ask me. but anw the real reason y i wanna watch him play is cos i've nvr seen him play before. not even when he's playing for man u. hm so ya. oh n i've got a new soccer idol. haha luis figo!! dunno y lei. he juz has this charisma on the fields. even better than stevie gerrard, i shld say. (sorry naf and ben)

ok anw the genting trip. it was fun, i guess. went to the arcades as well as the amusement park. the stuff there is kinda expensive, actually, not unlike the other places in malaysia (like johore etc), but i guess it's cos it's a tourist attraction of sorts. hm the place was kinda dirty though and i can't tell u how glad i was when i got back to singapore. first of all, the stark diff btwn m'sia and s'pore is tt the renovation sites in singapore haf at least the most basic tool - humans. seriously, the sites in m'sia are abundant but no one seems to be working there. in fact, if i'm not wrong, there was this renovation site near the passport customs that has been there for a few years alr. haha oh well. tt's their prob. and secondly, the noise at genting. sheesh. all the arcades and screams at the amusement park.. after a while, it kinda gets to ur ears and nerves, if u noe wat i mean.

but all in all, it was fun la, i guess. sure, no cute guys over there at all. and i reli mean none. (not tt my stds are high or anything ok) but ya, the rides were cool and the company of my family was nice. besides, i love the temp. i mean, it's not reli TT cold over there but i mean, 24 deg in the morn is gd. real gd. hm..

on the trip back, i got a faulty seat that bounced whenever the road got uneven. and u noe, genting's all the way on the top, so when the coach rides its way down the slopes, there're plenty of obstacles on the road. and the seat bounces like gdness noes wat. and for the first few times in my life, i got car-sick. bus-sick, i mean. hm then they played king kong on the screen above our heads. it was ok. i realized two things during the show.

first, all (ok, almost all) great men haf fallen to the bottom becos of women. like the four great beauties of China in the past, who all - someway or another - caused the downfall of their husbands who happened to all be emperors. haha. oh and then king kong comes along and gets bewitched by the beautiful ann darrow, whose real name i'm not sure. but she lks an awful lot like nicole kidman. a younger version, mb. king kong falls down frm the great building (wat's it called?) after beating his chest and bawling (ok mb not bawling. watever u call tt) repeatedly for the third time, becos he wanted to protect the poor woman. so he gets shot by the fighter planes and he falls down and down, surprisingly not causing an earthquake of sorts when he reaches the bottom. so my pt is, women rock. haha

oh and before u guys start protesting, i'd like to talk abt my second realization first. at 4 p.m. on the coach somewhere in malaysia, i realized.. that i really do like guys like adrien brody. hm or mb, i juz really do like adrien brody. i dunno y. really. actually i shld have realized it ever since the first time i saw the shots for 'the pianist' starring him. but i nvr did watch the movie before. nor any movies starring him until i watched king kong yst.

i reli haf not much of an idea (aftr thinking abt it) why adrian brody, and not tom cruise or brad pitt or orlando bloom. the closest reason and the most logical one was the aristocratic aura he has surrounding him, i guess. tt sounds crappy, i realize, but if it's not tt, i dunno wat else le. it's definitely not his lks, since i wouldnt consider him even on par when it comes to those three other big hot shots i mentioned earlier in the paragraph. it wun be fame, either, cos again, comparing to those other 3, he'll lose in this department. so really, it's smth abt him tt's mysteriously attractive. as in, he's the kinda guy (at least, to me) tt when i see his face on some poster, i wun go, 'damn but he's cute', like when i do when i see mb hugh jackman or ben foster (in case u dunno, he's the guy who acted as the rather useless angel in x-men 3 the last stand). there prob wun be tt gushing feeling whenever i c adrien brody's face, but it's juz tt - the feeling of awe, i suppose. like someone u wanna get close to but can nvr get close enough to.

wah.. seems like such a long time since i've updated my blog le.. suddenly it feels like i dunno wat to say le.. oh well, i'll find a way de la. muahaha.

hm went to watch 'the omen' on sat with nick. eh..the movie itself was.. kinda boring, actualli. suspense, no doubt. but i was only (fyi) A BIT scared. emphasis on 'a bit', if u havent realized alr. heh. but overall i had a wonderfully great day on sat ba. =)

aiya went to meet naf in the lib today.. then on the way home, i tripped and fell la. as usual, the klutz strikes again. muz be karma, or retribution (wat IS the diff, anw? can anyone be nice enough to enlighten me on tt?), since i laughed at hitoshi-san the other day we met, and he fell before the meeting. haiz. karma, karma. oh anw i fell and twisted my ankle. hmph it still hurts now lei, hrs aftr the fall, so i'm hoping nth's wrong. my mother got so excited la, she was like, can claim insurance!!

ah.. diaoz.

but anw i actually fell on the road, noe. luckily no cars came by. whew. my life. saved by practically no traffic. but my ankle still hurts.

ouch.

hm.. watching this anime, called school rumble. thx to my cousin (shir)'s recommendation, i haf it in my comp now. and it's damn funny la. it's all abt sch life, and in my opinion, it's how sch life reli ought to be la. with all the boys and fun and really lking forward to summer holidays etc. real fun! not much of studying (yes i noe it may be weird, this coming frm ME, but yeah tt's how i feel sometimes abt sch). hm oh well.. singapore schools wun ever be lidat ba. i wonder if there're actually any such schs in real life. doubt it, actually.

no jap lessons today. jap teacher went back to her homeland - japan, tt is. so this wk no lessons. wonder if next wk haf. but anw next mon - wed i'll be gg on a trip to genting. so if u guys want anything, feel free to tell me ba. if i can help get it for u, i'll try my best to ba. though i myself dunno wat's worth getting in genting. muahaha oops.

argh. need to do my jap hw and make notes. oh scratch tt. desperate housewives's coming rite up!! haha oh, and of cos, grey's anatomy. not to be missed!! esp the latter, as i haf come to realize. hm.. guess i'll do my jap hw tmr then.

oh no!! becos of my hol break to genting next wk, my mother's boss (the mother of the two children i'm tutoring) asks - no, pratically demands - that i make up for the lost lessons someway or another. haiz.

SIGH~~

today's my best fren's bd, so i'm dedicating this post solely to him. :)

happy 19th bd, keegan.

we've always had our differences in the past, be it food preferences, colour, habits etc. but we've always treated these differences as part of our lives and accepted them with comfort and grace (no, still not you, grace). but we've nvr had distance as a difference. till now. it's hard to treat tt as smth unique and embrace it with fun and treat it as a joke, smth to tease each other with. it's smth i noe we'd both like to do without, but can't. tt's y it's hard, i suppose. i dun think there's such a thing as 'trying ur best' in this matter, cos neither of us knows wat exactly is 'best'. but at least we've tried. havent we? n i'll try harder to get used to it. :)

sent ur present a bit later cos i took such a freaking long time to find a suitable present tt i think u'd like. in the end i found it, but by some dumb streak of 'luck', i lost ur add. sorry abt tt, reli. but i'll rmb it frm now, promise. :)

ok, here comes the last part of the dedication.. it's a song by Corrinne May, called 'every beat of my heart':

So here we stand
Anchored in hope
Letting the rain wash away every fear

Stars in the sky
Twinkle and shine
I pray they wont disappear

'cause I dont know
where your journey goes
or how long it takes to unfold
But as long as we keep this moment shining in the dark
I will be watching over every beat of your heart

I wish that time
Could be replayed
I'd keep you here with me everyday

They say that love is letting go
I hope that you find your way

'cause i dont know
where your journey goes
or how long it will take to unfold
But as long as we keep this moment shining in the dark
I know you're watching over every beat of my heart

once again, happy bd. n no matter wat happens, i'm here.

love always,

me. :)

yay~~my dad bought a new laptop for me!!! so now i can leave his haunted laptop by itself and use this samsung one instead!! muahaha~ i love it. it's not too heavy and even though i'd prefer it to be black, i'm fine with it being silver now. now i juz haf to find the vol control. hahaha. such a silly thing la. with the internet available, all i have to do is to install the microsoft word etc, change my wallpaper (to mb wallace huo's pics!!), install the newer version of msn, and a few more things i suppose. but oh my gdness. so exciting. haha. and the speed connection's fast, too. hm. oh no! wat abt all my emoticons.. argh. all tt time wasted in storing them in my dad's laptop. now haf to work frm scratch to get all of them le. muz plead with my dearest dearest cousin, shirley, to help me in this. muahaha. shir, a 'thx' in advance!! love ya~

the comp fair was seriously claustrophobic la. whew couldnt even breathe juz now. if not could've looked at more stuff other than juz laptops. hm. supposed to buy a hard disk drive de. but in the end didnt manage to get it. haha only got this notebk. which is fine by me. the notebk itself has 80GB of hard disk drive space le. muahaha.

aiya. xian. tmr still haf tuition. haiz. math!!! pri 4 kid!!! biggest horror armongst horrors. haha oh btw, does anybody know of any nice movies coming up soon? other than 'the omen' and 'scary movie 4'. and no 'superman' pls. aftr such a freaking long time, he still hasnt learnt how to wear his underwear the correct way. muahaha.

k then. tt's all for today le. tada~

I try to smile my tears away
I try to keep my cool
Oh but one more door gets in my way
I feel like such a fool
Trampled and bitter
My heart just wants to bleed and stop
Believing in me

It feels like nothing is for certain
and that nothing comes for free
When they're lowering the curtain to the
Theatre of my dreams
I stumble and I crumble and I'm
Sinking to my knees but you
You cradle me

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world
And in your arms I find the strength
to believe in me again

Noise keeps chasing me
No matter where I go
Oh and life likes pretending that it's
On a TV show
When it's hard to tell what's real
From what the world just wants to preach
You're the voice I seek

=Safe In A Crazy World=
+Corrinne May+

mb that's all one needs.. u think?

Death is no fearsome mystery.
He is well known to thee and me.
He hath no secrets he can keep
to trouble any good man's sleep.

Turn not thy face from Death away.
Care not he takes our breath away.
Fear him not, he's not thy master,
rushing at thee faster, faster.
Not thy master but servant to
the Maker of thee, what or Who
created Deathm created thee
- and is the only mystery.

=The Book of Counted Sorrows=

ARGH!!

youtube finally worked last evening. but today, i found out another devastating news. the series youtube's showing only stops at episode 16!!!!! no, halfway thru episode 15!!! nobody's uploaded the remaining episodes.. WHY OH WHY??? then wat am i to do??

my show.. my wallace huo jian hua!! sigh. haiz. sobs. wails. cries. bangs table top in frustration.

and now tt i've alr watched the previous 14 episodes.. it doesnt make sense if i buy the vcd now, rite? no, it doesnt. so i wun go crazy and buy the vcd.. haiz. might as well buy his poster and stare at it everyday. tt is, if i can find his poster la. hm. sad sad sad.

now there's only his di xia tie to watch alr. the disgustingly dubbed show. wat's wrong with his real voice lei? nth wrong. n he doesnt act cool in the show!! he's too down too earth in this show. i knew borrowing it was a mistake. one tt i was willing to make at that time.

hm speaking of mistakes, i juz realized wat a huge mistake i had made a few mths ago when i told nicholas tt i wanted and needed space, so much so tt i told him to give me and both of us a break. n if u're gg to tell me tt i'm selfish by doing so, then get lost. give me a break. u dunno wat it's like to feel the walls and ceiling closing in arnd u, making u feel suffocated. and if u can't handle someone like me, then get lost too.

today morn, i saw him online. and we talked. really talked. not random crap kinda talk. but heart to heart kinda talk. and he said he lost me a fren since the last time we talked le. it was surprisingly painful hearing tt frm him.. n i thought i was such a heartless person. hm then i actually said i was sorry. how many times has it been when i've swallowed my pride and said i was sorry? not much.. but this time i knew if i didnt fight for it, and juz let it go like i always do, then i'd lose him as a fren. reli lose someone like him for a fren. somehow tt doesnt reli sit well with me.. it made me regret a lot of things. so in the end.. we both compromised, i suppose, and we came to a conclusion that we're gonna try and make it work again. but things will nvr be the same again. i noe that. and i noe he knows tt too.

but i'm sure as hell gonna try. i'm not making that stupid mistake i made alr. and if the walls close arnd me one more time..

mb it's time to suffocate for once.

it's time to c if i reli will die frm the suffocation and nonsensical and ridiculous claustrophobic aura that seems to love surrounding me.

Life is a gift that must be given back,
and joy should arise from its possession.
It's too damned short, and that's a fact.
Hard to accept, this earthly procession
to final darkness is a journey done,
circle completed, work of art sublime,
a sweet melodic rhyme, a battle won.
=The Book of Counted Sorrows=

ALAS! YOUTUBE IS DOWN!!!!

WHY???

WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE SUCH TREATMENT??

AND SOMEMORE I'VE HAD SUCH A GRUELLING TUTORING SESSION TODAY!!! NO, MAKE THAT TWO, SINCE I COACHED BOTH THE PRI 4 KID AND HIS SEC 2 SIS MATH TODAY!!!

LIFE IS NOT FAIR!

ok, as if i juz realized tt lidat. i've known all along tt life's not fair le. but it's ok. while the wretched youtube thingy is down, and i'm praying it's not for long, i'll go revise my jap and update my stories and watch 'the sound of colours', another taiwanese serial starring wallace huo jian hua. but i'm almost done with all the jap revision le lei. and i'm not reli in the mood to write today. so i guess tt leaves me with the last option. watching the show. haha well, tt's not so bad aftr all.

n i thought abt wat chris said to me last night. 'u shld go get a proper job - tutoring juz coops u up even more. then once u're busy with ur job, u wun haf so much time to think abt life, as u always seem to be thinking abt it.'

so i said, 'tutoring IS a job', and he replied, 'ok, another solution would be for u to find a bf'.

haha this is like, the third time he's telling me to go find bf le la. today i thought abt it and wat my mother said to me a few times before. she said, 'girl ar, these kinda things, rite.. muz rely on fate most of the time de. sometimes no matter how u pursue or reject smth, the right kinda things will always come back to u in the end if it's meant to be.'

hm. i think she's rite. isnt it scary, though, to put ur future in fate's hands? i'm not saying tt i'm gonna sit back, relax and do nothing abt my life. i'm juz saying tt mb it's better to let nature take its course. and not struggle to go against nature.. hm. tt's life, mb?

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