.Wednesday, November 07, 2007 Y
'tis another day..
haiz. not mugging hard enough. and exam's are like, really soon. i keep thinking tht i'm almost ready for the exams. but i knw tht i'm not! i mean, i treated it as though i'm almost done for tax becos i juz had a midterm test the wk before last wk and it covered all the chapters for the second half of the semester. so i keep telling myself tht i dun need to study tht hard for those chapters, tht now i need to focus on the front chapters. which i've done 'deductions'. so wht's really impt (i feel) is the chapter on 'capital allowancse'. i'm gonna try to finish it by today (though i doubt i can do it) and then try to do exam papers tmr.
i guess the real shock will kick in once i realize tht i dunno how to do the exam papers. i juz knw it'll happen. juz need to properly realize it, i think. haiz. denial. self-denial. humans. inextricable links.
ANW, tmr's deepavali. so happy deepavali (or diwali) to everyone out there! yups. will be gg to a fren's house tmr evening onwards but need to leave hall at arnd 4 plus cos taking a ride from my fren leon to tht other fren's house. gotta be at novena at 6.30pm. haha so far, rite? might as well go to the place myself la. but oh wells. a ride is better than nothing. and plus leon'll be going back hall aftr the celebrations thingy, so he can drop me off at my hall as well. save on the cab fare, too. good. saving money is always gd. then he can drop saira off too since she leaves nearby hall as well. then i wun be bored on the way back. leon's funny though. can keep me awake and talking (alive and kicking) the whole way back. so it shld be fun. except tht my workload and revision timetable will be weighing down heavily on me. i can juz imagine my subjects as animate objects, watching me and breathing down my neck.
i had a nightmare today, while i was taking a nap. see y i'm so worried? the exams're coming and still, i'm taking afternoon naps. plus i will haf to go home on fri night. waste of time again! shit. half of this wk has alr come and gone. i bet the next wk will pass by even faster. WHOOSH - it'll go.
anw, abt my nightmare. i've nvr been someone who's suited for guilt. as in, i dun think i've ever carried guilt on my shoulders for perhaps, more than one day? or mb even an hour max. but i feel guilty towards this one person. juz this one. and it hasn't subsided since 1++ yr ago. coming to 2 yrs, i think.
i haf a lot of guy frenz. and
some platonic relationships (like it or not) will haf misunderstandings arising from the closeness of the two people. either misunderstandings from the outside world or misunderstandings within the two people. guys and girls - can't they ever be juz friends? or can they? i've had a lot of neutral guy frenz. but i guess he was different. mb i led him on. but we were frenz for so long. more than 2 yrs. he was my companion to tide me over my jc times. he was a great companion. i'm saying all this cos i knw he wouldnt read it. i dunno if anyone would, seeing tht my post is so long for one of the rare times, but i guess i juz needed to get it off my chest.
so as i was saying, things didnt work out btwn the two of us cos the basis of the relationship changed. it wasn't friendship anymore and it wasn't a mutual feeling either. got scared like the stupid girl i was, i turned him down. but i guess there was smth abt the way everything ended.
juz felt tht smth was left hanging. i knw i owe him an apology. and even though i gave it to him, i still feel tht way aftr so long. but juz to say it again: sorry.
the nightmare i had was mb an excerpt from all those scenes i imagined in my head when reading those psycho-thriller books. i dreamt tht we were all grown up and tht i saw him but couldnt recognize him. it was funny, cos i was looking at the whole scene from an outsider's POV, even though one of the characters in the dream was me. so it was like looking at ur life from another POV. somewht. so anw i (as the onlooker) recognized him straightaway but the other me didn't. and the other me, as i said, was all grown up and had my own family alr. no husband to be seen (god, pls dun let it be a sign), but i was with my young beautiful daughter. i actually dun rmb how my 'daughter' looks like, but i'm assuming she'll be beautiful. hahaha.
and the onlooker me saw how he made frenz with both my daughter and i. but as the onlooker i knew he was abt to take revenge on me thru my daughter. haiz. then it ended there.
the nightmare.
must haf been one hell of a guilt trip.
