ARGH!!

youtube finally worked last evening. but today, i found out another devastating news. the series youtube's showing only stops at episode 16!!!!! no, halfway thru episode 15!!! nobody's uploaded the remaining episodes.. WHY OH WHY??? then wat am i to do??

my show.. my wallace huo jian hua!! sigh. haiz. sobs. wails. cries. bangs table top in frustration.

and now tt i've alr watched the previous 14 episodes.. it doesnt make sense if i buy the vcd now, rite? no, it doesnt. so i wun go crazy and buy the vcd.. haiz. might as well buy his poster and stare at it everyday. tt is, if i can find his poster la. hm. sad sad sad.

now there's only his di xia tie to watch alr. the disgustingly dubbed show. wat's wrong with his real voice lei? nth wrong. n he doesnt act cool in the show!! he's too down too earth in this show. i knew borrowing it was a mistake. one tt i was willing to make at that time.

hm speaking of mistakes, i juz realized wat a huge mistake i had made a few mths ago when i told nicholas tt i wanted and needed space, so much so tt i told him to give me and both of us a break. n if u're gg to tell me tt i'm selfish by doing so, then get lost. give me a break. u dunno wat it's like to feel the walls and ceiling closing in arnd u, making u feel suffocated. and if u can't handle someone like me, then get lost too.

today morn, i saw him online. and we talked. really talked. not random crap kinda talk. but heart to heart kinda talk. and he said he lost me a fren since the last time we talked le. it was surprisingly painful hearing tt frm him.. n i thought i was such a heartless person. hm then i actually said i was sorry. how many times has it been when i've swallowed my pride and said i was sorry? not much.. but this time i knew if i didnt fight for it, and juz let it go like i always do, then i'd lose him as a fren. reli lose someone like him for a fren. somehow tt doesnt reli sit well with me.. it made me regret a lot of things. so in the end.. we both compromised, i suppose, and we came to a conclusion that we're gonna try and make it work again. but things will nvr be the same again. i noe that. and i noe he knows tt too.

but i'm sure as hell gonna try. i'm not making that stupid mistake i made alr. and if the walls close arnd me one more time..

mb it's time to suffocate for once.

it's time to c if i reli will die frm the suffocation and nonsensical and ridiculous claustrophobic aura that seems to love surrounding me.

Life is a gift that must be given back,
and joy should arise from its possession.
It's too damned short, and that's a fact.
Hard to accept, this earthly procession
to final darkness is a journey done,
circle completed, work of art sublime,
a sweet melodic rhyme, a battle won.
=The Book of Counted Sorrows=

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