.Friday, December 22, 2006 Y
'tis another day..
ok. so mb it's time to face up to my own insecurities and weaknesses.
i hate being called 'weak' and 'useless'. though nobody has ever called me those in utter seriousness, i even hate it when they mean it as a joke. these are the sensitive words to me. becos i'm so afraid of being incapable of doing smth. mb tt's y i'm competitive and tt's y i hate losing. n mb tt's y i try too hard at times, even when i'm not expected to.
i've always loved music. but sometimes (n today is one of those times), i feel tt being able to play a certain instrument and being capable of playing a solo performance in front of a crowd is nth compared to if u can play sports. sometimes i wish to myself tt instead of being musically inclined, i were to be sports inclined. sometimes i feel dispirited, especially, if pple ask me wht i play for n i reply 'CO', they'll go, 'huh? wht's tt?' i mean, wht's the pt, then, playing smth other pple dun understand or appreciate.
i noe - as long as i noe and understand and appreciate, tt shld be enuf. but sometimes, to me at least, tt's not enuf.
i always claimed tt i dun mind being alone and tt i dun need anyone to be arnd for me. but now i noe tt it's all been juz a claim and a facade. becos i'm so afraid of being unloved and left alone.
and today, i feel useless.
